I miss talking to Lea D= She's cool =D

Anyway, on to my actual post… I actually went home, took a shower, and ‘fixed’ the computer before coming here today and there were/are so few emails that it’s even slower than most Sundays. Last Sunday it took from 8-12 to finish them all. I am done now and I got in at 9:30. I might keep that late theme if it proves any advantage from now on.

Last night I had a revelation! It was about Dami, or rather…it wasn’t, but it made me realize exactly what ‘happened’ regarding Dami. I had made a post over two months ago about him but never ended up posting it (kept it in drafts). I think I will now though.

Since I don’t tell most people about Dami I will run over a quick nasty review. Essentially, some years ago when I was addicted to RO I met him and started talking to him. He was pretty evil and was fun to talk to on account of it. He demanded that I talk to him every night and eventually, after getting to know him a little bit, I realized his life was a total mess and I was his hired counselor (not a desired position).

It’s pretty complicated how it all came about but he managed to really get into my head and let’s just say, that was a really bad year that I am glad I don’t have to relive. He is also the main cause of a number of other negative things that happened, in my opinion, despite the fact that I only talked to him over AIM and RO (and yahoo webcam).

Nice end to the story, I won, got out of it, and admitted that I never actually cared about him leaving me to speculate why in the world I let him convince me of so many things and made me do worse than neglect my own reality but actively damage it. [just so you know, there are no more remnants of his presence so do not assume me/any associations have any connection to this person]

“I won” was debatable but I think it’s true. I beat him at his own game in the end. I haven’t talked to him in forever, nor do I want to. In the previous post I mentioned that I needed to see him in AZ because that was the one thing that I thought was going to fix what was happening back home due to him. I still believe that would have. But it didn’t happen because I wasn’t confident enough when I was there. [transfer in AZ to get to CA] Well, read that post if you are interested anyway.

Now I think I know why. It was because I ‘couldn’t win’. I accepted it in the end and stopped caring about my reward for my efforts and won that way. I couldn’t stop before because I wanted to believe I was getting somewhere. This wasn’t just a counseling assignment. There was a ton more to it.

It was a challenge and I couldn’t resist because he made it so difficult. If I did not make him happy, I was punished. Maybe you think that it is absurd. It might sound like it, but it’s true. I was punished and before I realized what was going on it was too late. Only now I am realizing that I had taken the challenge merely because it was so difficult and complex.

Why would this suddenly occur to me? Now, I haven’t even thought of Dami once since that last post until last night. He was not the trigger, but an association to my past. Just like my psychoanalysis of why I went all depression-ish that summer and found my best refuge in the baby quails I raised without permission. [dunno if I posted that but I have it in my brain, it’s happy there]

What was the trigger? If you take the time to point out the train on the tracks you are standing on by the time the words exit your mouth the train is already upon you. AKA, I’m not telling you at the moment. Also, that whole train-thing has nothing to do with the reason why. It just sounds like a good excuse. It isn’t an actual good excuse.


Never again will I be fooled into minionization!! Ahahaa…