Warning: Insufficient Entry

I've noticed that this summer I have been feeling unusually insufficient. Back in high school I was the local loser who didn't care about appearence in the least. I never looked in the mirror to see what my face looked like. I didn't look at what clothes I put on and I hated showering. I did it 3 times a week, when forced.

Stark contrast to after the Academy. I rejected the hideous worn out hand-me-down sweat shirts that I had worn for the past 5 years nearly every day [because I was constantly cold]. Suddenly showers were more appealing and I hated to neglect them. Now, these are very basic things. Showers and Clothes. I didn't go all-out..."oh my god, let's get a whole new wardrobe. Makeover! yaaa!" 'Cause I am defintitely not the type. I just ditched the clothes that had holes and stains and were truly hideous. I had rarely gone clothes shopping. I hated it. Pretty much my moto was "get me whatever, I'll just wear it".

So, I shower every day and I acutally pick out my own clothes now. What a big girl I am. Not tremendously picky but I actually know what I look like now.

Just to point out how, typically, not conformative to self-image alterations... I will never submit to wearing make up. I always despise it when my relatives force it on me.

Not long ago my grandmother forced some on me for a picture and she held out some eyeliner. It was about 2 minutes until I had to get my picture taken. I pretty much said that if she was going to get me to wear that it was going to take at least 30 minutes for me to get it on. Not fun. Thank god we skipped that. Getting all that crap off it wretched.

Anyway. This summer I have been consistantly feeling down. Insufficient. And if anyone knows me or my family I'm sure they would be able to indicate all my physical shortcomings. I don't think there is anything I can do about it. What's more. I feel like it wouldn't be right of me to try. Yet, if I don't, I'm doomed to be the ugly one. That's what it is in my house.

Lynda's the "smart one", Karyn is the "pretty one", Philip is the "stupid" one...and I don't know what Ginny is, I guess she's the "evil one"

I'm happy to be the "smart one" I guess 'cept that I honestly don't think my intelligence is superior to the average WPI student. Since that is where I live, that is what matters to me. Being "smarter" than society is not a very difficult task.

Anyway, I don't know much to do about it. But how can I do nothing and keep letting it bother me? Even if I *try* to do something, there is no garuntee that I'll be at all successful, maybe it'll just make things worse. Why is the "smart" one always considered to be the least attractive...